You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
