My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
