just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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