I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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