we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
