I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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