when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
