I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize