I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
