You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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