I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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