I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
