When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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