i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
