last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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