On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
