I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
