I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
