go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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