When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
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Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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