You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
