I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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