I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
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where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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