I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
