I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
