Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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