I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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