This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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