i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
