I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
