dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
