I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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