Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
