I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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