It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
