I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
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Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.