Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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