I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Is it penis luge time yet?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
