the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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