she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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