Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i love accidental penises.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
