I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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