Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
