you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
