Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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