I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
