so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Quick, to the slutcave!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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