I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
