im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
