i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
