can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
