Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
