I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
