So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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