I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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