I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
nutella sex= disaster
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
