At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm really busy with my period
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