i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
