I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
